Just Listen: book summary

Should you read this?

Just Listen by Mark Goulston is the most tactical listening book I’ve read that isn’t written by a coach. Goulston is a psychiatrist. He’s worked with FBI hostage negotiators and with executives who can’t get through to a colleague, a customer, or their own teenager.

It sits beside You’re Not Listening and How to Listen. Those will make you wiser. Goulston will give you a move for the person who has already shut down.

Toby's takeaway

They didn’t want my plan.

They wanted to feel that I’d got it.

I’m slow to learn this. I’m a coach and I still reach for the fix. Someone is angry about a reorg. I sketch a stakeholder map. Someone is scared of AI replacing their craft. I talk about upskilling. Useful later. First they need to feel felt.

Goulston’s phrase is exactly that. Feeling felt. Until that happens, your advice is noise.

The tiniest tool in the book is the one I use most.

“Oh?”

Said with warmth. Not sarcasm. It invites the next layer. I’ve watched people who were performing a position drop into the real problem after two “oh?”s and a pause. It’s almost unfair.

The other move I have borrowed:

“What are you most worried I’m going to say?” Then later: “What do you need from me right now?”

He uses a simple ladder. From resistant, to listening, to willing, to invested. Most leaders start at invested — “here’s the plan” — and then act surprised at resistance.

Just Listen is a little American-self-help in places. Some of the stories are neat. I still keep it because the techniques are stealable on a Tuesday.

Turn This Book Into Action

Despite reading this book, I still have a problem. I’m not converting the knowledge into action. To solve this problem, I’m turning to the solution everyone is looking for at the moment: artificial intelligence. I’ve developed a set of AI tools to turn knowledge into action.

3 big ideas

1. Reach the emotions first or you won’t reach the person

When someone is angry, scared, or humiliated, they can’t take your logic. You’re speaking the wrong language.

Goulston’s sequence: make them feel heard, then felt, then ready. Only then problem-solve.

This is why “calm down” never works. Name what you’re seeing. “You look furious. I would be too.” Then shut up.

2. Questions that unlock the stuck person

A few of Goulston’s questions have earned a place next to the coaching questions I already use:

• “What would need to happen for this to feel solvable?”
• “What do you need me to understand that I’m not getting?”
• “On a scale of one to ten, how ready are you to talk about this? What would make it an eight?”

These aren’t tricks. They return agency. Advice removes it.

3. The most powerful people are often the least listened to

I used to think senior leaders didn’t need this. They have airtime. They have status.

They’re often the least listened to as humans. People bring them performances. Nobody says “you look tired.” Get through to the person, not the role.

It works down the hierarchy too. The quiet engineer is not shy. They’ve learned that speaking is expensive. When they finally risk a sentence, don’t waste it by topping it.

Best quotes

“The more you can get them to talk, the more they will feel you understand them. And the more they feel you understand them, the more they will be willing to hear you.”

“If you want to get through to people, you have to go to where they are, not where you want them to be.”

“When people are upset, they want to know that you understand how they feel more than they want you to fix it.”

“Oh?”

Buy Just Listen on Amazon

ISBN: 9780814436479