David Brooks · printable PDF
How to Know a Person cheat sheet
Brooks's useful distinction is illuminators versus diminishers. This sheet is the questions and listening moves that stop a 1:1 becoming a bore bomb.
Notes by Toby Sinclair. Pair with the full How to Know a Person summary.
What's on the sheet
- 01 Illuminator, not diminisherSee the person in their fullness. Presence, context, and unique strengths — not a glance and a label.
- 02 Ask how they came to believe itDon't ask what they think about X. Ask how they came to believe X.
- 03 Ask for the person, not the valueDon't ask what their values are. Ask who shaped their values the most.
- 04 Be a loud listenerListen so actively you are practically burning calories. The conversation is a two-way expedition, not a lecture.
- 05 Conditions before contentBefore a hard conversation, think about the setting: time, privacy, energy, whether they can actually hear this now.
- 06 Get into narrative modeStories show how someone changes over time. Data and arguments show a case. You need the story to see the person.
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